The horror hostess with the mostest over at The Horror Digest started the internet phenomena known as “Top 10 Willy Inducing Moments“. Being that over in these climes the word willy is more commonly used to describe the purple headed custard chucker and being that I rely on lame humour, made-up words, euphemisms and over-worked metaphors rather than any writing talent to prevent myself from being bullied in the horror circles, this post was far too much innuendo opportunity to resist. An added bonus is I get to send a tweet to a respected pillar of the horror blogosphere saying “Check out my Top Ten Willy Inducing Moments”… that combined with the fact that Troma God Lloyd Kaufman has referred to me as an “asshole” in an interview this week will probably ensure that this week is the peak of my blogging diversion according to my puerile mind.
Before you carry on reading:
THIS POST CONTAINS SPOILERS
The creepiest or most disturbing parts of movie are usually saved for the money-shot and this is often where my willies come from (or is that the other way round) so there will be endings spoiled. The plus side is that my taste in movies tends towards obscure crap so I am probably spoiling movies you will never want to see.
Let the innuendo begin:
Willy Number 1:
My only experience of Korean culture is from horror movies, if I had to report back to the alien overlord on the potential of conquering Earth based on just this knowledge I would suggest trying a different planet first and coming back to this one once all the children had grown up because Korean kids can be creepy as fuck. Possessed, angry, Korean children yelling and falling downstairs is even more creepy and that is why Phone (Pon)
and Yeoung-ju spazzing at the top of the stairs has left a lasting scar on my cortex.
Willy Number 2:
Over to Italy for a date with The Goremaster Fulci and his classic bit of zombie madness, The Beyond. The scene in the morgue where the acid melts the cadaver(ish) slab dweller under the watchful gaze of a ginger kid marks a turning point in the movie and is the start of a whole bunch of willies. Yes, the scene is unbelievable as the majority of people would have tried to run faster than fat camp kids to an ice-cream van as soon as it started getting freaky but the tension built up to this point, the unnatural disco styled yet haunting piano music and the nightwalker child make quite a lasting impression in the context of the whole experience.
Willy Number 3:
The sweet and carefree mantra of Asami as she drives long pins into her paralysed date still haunts me to this day, Takashi Miike once again manages to disturb and freak out simultaneously in this scene from Audition. “kiri kiri kiri” means “deeper, deeper, deeper” and is not the kind of thing that you want the love of your life to be saying as she drives pins into the most sensitive parts of your body if that wasn’t what you signed up for. While this kind of behaviour can inspire a different kind of willy movement for some males, the unwillingness and the uncertainty of whether survival is an option in this game of sub-dom makes for a rather disturbing moment after being lulled into the security of a romantic endeavour.
Willy Number 4:
Hospitals are scary places, mentally unstable people are unsettling, old people wear scary clothes… mentally unstable old people in floral dresses crawling along the ceiling of hospitals is enough to inspire sleepless nights that no amount of bear tranquilizer can fix. Exorcist 3: Legion shows just this and the scene has already been set as an perturbing scenario when the nimble OAP crawls along the ceiling above the oblivious Kinderman. The fact that he fails to notice plus the agility of our possessed coffin dodger makes this another moment of willy inducement.
Willy Number 5:
The self taxidermy machine in Taxidermia is almost as brain staining as the vomit-a-thon in the same movie but as this is about willies and I have no Roman fetishes then this scene is the one that gets a mention. It is the finale of the movie and if you are not in a mentally strange place by this point in the movie then I’m sure there are tablets and a nice padded cell in your near future. When the third generation of the family focussed on achieves his life-long goal of preserving himself the motivations and inspirations for such an act require some deep thought and a reality check if you are thinking too hard. Definitely strange and unsettling and possibly not a movie to be showing people that tortured small animals in their childhood.
Willy Number 6:
A personal phobia of mine is being trapped in a dark confined place with no way out’¦ if the only way out is through an underwater tunnel of unknown length then I would probably be more comfortable closing my eyes and waiting until I died of decomposition. For this reason The Descent freaks the living fuck out of me on numerous occasions. There is no point in being a closet claustrophobic and that is why I am quite open about it, the uncertainty of escape makes me want to give up as this is always the easiest option and for that reason I nominate the whole of The Descent as my personal willy.
Willy Number 7:
A favourite scare inducer of the horror movie maker is using creepy dolls, the old porcelain dolls adored by the Victorians makes me wonder how anyone used too sleep back then and when the invention of time travel becomes a reality I am going to make my millions buy returning to that age and getting the population hooked on Tamezepam. The doll that afflicted me with pediophobia is that ugly little sandal wearing fucker from Reincarnation (Rinne). The evil person that though a wide-eyed ugly doll would be a good toy for Japanese children is obviously the reincarnation of Hitler or I am more of a wuss than Japanese children. Faced with the prospect of snuggling up to that doll or the potential of a resurrected Hitler trying to spoon me I would take Hitler every time.
Willy Number 8:
The La-La music in Rosemary’s Baby chills my spine. What more can I say?
Willy Number 9:
Fifty Four Japanese school girls holding hands, smiling and singing before throwing themselves under the fast train resulting in a tremendous and splattery bloodbath accompanied by kooky music is bound to leave an impression. This is how Sion Sono decides to start Suicide Club (Suicide Circle)
and once you have time to reflect on the occurrence that has just occurred then a lot of morbid and disturbing thoughts surface. The willingness to jump and the elation on these innocents’ faces as they leap to their doom makes this scene so much more intense and the scale of the demise is phenomenal for the first few moments of a film. So much life wasted as nearly an entire school of youngsters are chuffed to bits to be chuffed to bits.
Willy Number 10:
Although often criticized the ending to Eden Lake
has had a profound impact on my view of British horror. The pointlessness to Jenny’s struggle throughout her entire getaway by the lake is hammered home as the freaks win and continue to live their happy lives. This scene is what nails this movie as a horror and also makes some pensive yet cynical reflections on society in this country. The scumbags victory is all the more willy inducing as these willy inducers could be living next door with their shady little community lives slipping below my personal radar. Heavy shit and in my opinion it is the highlight of the movie rather than the ruination.